Retired Drug Dealer. How do I get hired?

Hi, throwaway here, but the man behind the mask is all too real.

I’ve spent the past 6-7 years as a fashion model by day, weed runner by night. Both cool gigs all in all, worked as a real big earner for a multimillion dollar company in NYC. Fucked a few hot clients. Good pay, limitless potential. During this time, I traveled all over the world, and really learned a lot. I learned to stick up for myself, to claw back what was rightfully mine, to look, act, dress, and speak the part.

Soon, I’m going to be 26, and age out of my mom’s health insurance. That, and a number of other confounding factors made me decide to quit hustling, move back to my hometown, and get an education/find my calling. I haven’t had to redraft a resume in ages. How would I go about writing one that does any justice to all of my unconventional experience?

I don’t even know what options would be available to me. Or rather, which ones are already unavailable. I don’t have a criminal record, but also my credit score is indeterminable. I think I’d be really successful working in a bank’s fraud department, or an insurance company’s S.I.U. or as a penetration tester.

Other “cool jobs” also appeal to me such as pawnbroker, bail bondsman/bounty hunter, repo man, falconer, armored truck driver, arms dealer, lawyer, process server/officer of the court, motorcycle instructor, private investigator, mountain rescue ranger, etc.

I’m told when it comes to banking jobs, they will not consider applicants with spotty banking history (I don’t have any chexsystems demerits) and I didn’t always deposit my cash after hitting runs, sometimes I just did my own bookwork, got all bills paid, and saved the rest. I’d like to think an interviewer would be cool and respect the hustle, but I could see a Chase exec getting uppity about it. Is the hiring market as hot as everyone says? Do you think they’ll take me anyway?

I say lawyer because I once recovered modeling money from a shady agency, and it brought me the **utmost** joy to make these bad actors answer for their actions, and to see them squirm. The mechanisms in law that allow for this are truly fascinating to me.

For the resume, I know I have to *put some English on it* and spin it in such a way that it’s more like “ensured the safe delivery of cargo” and “worked closely with upper management, and maintained personal rapport with clients in order to detect rogue counterparts,” “carefully and expertly sourced inventory while both mitigating risk and maintaining lucrative cost margins.” But how do you do that?

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