Am I wrong to feel bittersweet in my position?

This might be a long post, so I’m putting a TL;DR: I got into a public sector job for a foot in the door, and I have a constant fear of being fired due to not being up to standards, even when my boss says I’m doing okay. I am going blind, and my living situation also isn’t conducive to a WFH environment.

I am not only bored out of my mind, I am having to give things 120% of my energy to gegt to the level expected of me. I am a low ranking public employee in the US, and I feel I made a horrible decision. Yes, I have healthcare and beenfits. Yes, I am finally away from my parents after 3 godawful years post-college where I could find nothing in a major city..

Two years ago I was diagnosed with “late stage glaucoma”, and I am currently taking drops to mitigate it. Right now, my workload includes reading a bunch of forms which are not accessible (even with JAWS), filling out Excel spreadsheets, and other admin related tasks. Previously, my work included a lot of media writing and report writing.. I was proactive, I enjoyed the work even if the deadlines were quick and the quality expected was greater.. I at least knew what they wanted.

I have been here now for 5-6 months, and while I am good at some things I need to improve in others. I would like to be writing reports or working on the website or doing something mildly technical/creative. Right now I am being given Excel work which I don’t feel I am capable of with my eyesight, at least not to the level they’re expecting, not without training. I would be happy to attend a formal class in Excel, but I don’t know if my supervisor would be open to that?

To just speak a bit about my living situation which I think contributes to this – I am in a very loud student housing building. I didn’t realize it was student housing, and it is well over 30% of my income. My roommates, among other things, steal my food and play loud music from morning to midnight. This wouldn’t be a problem if the music wasn’tt he volume it’d be in a club. When they are in the common area I can hear it as if my phone were right next to me on max volume.

I just feel inadequate compared to my colleagues, who seem to have everything figured out and are independant operators in most tasks. I want to be like them, but I worry I’ll get shown the door before I can reach that stage. Growing up, my parents had zero expectations for me as a blind person, so they never pushed me to excel or learned about my talents/desires. When they did take an interest in me as I grew up, they’d always tell me I’d never amount to anything.. so I have internalized that and taken it into my new job, basically beating myself up over every small error.

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